Sic Semper Tyrannis

If the Fates Allow

I was thinking of the word “perhaps” today while in the bathroom. While I was in there, I developed a theory about why “perhaps” is a dismissive, crude word that reveals an ugly world view and should not be used in polite conversation.

Here’s what I’ve got. My hunch is that “perhaps” is actually a shortened form of the phrase “per happenstance.” Over time, phrases get shortened when our lazy tongues assimilate them into something more……….palatable (?) Hmmmhah!  For instance, back in Bill Shakespeare’s day, you would see the word “ ‘zounds” appear as a kind of expletive. This was a shortened version of the phrase “By His wounds,” referring to the wounds of Christ from the cross.

So, if “perhaps” really is a shortened form of “per happenstance,” like I think it might be, it’s not very polite. I did a little research today and “per” is directly from the Latin, meaning “through, by means of, or by.” As in “as per your request,” or “by means of your request, I have emailed this document to you.” And we all know that “happenstance” means “chance” or “luck,” or maybe even “fate.”

But to use this word implies a pretty annoying worldview in which we have very little control. (While it may be true that we have very little control over the events and circumstances of our lives, must we be constantly reminded of it? That’s kind of bleak and surely leads to a downward spiral of depression.) Let me give you some examples.

You: “Will you do me a favor and take out the trash?”
Me: “Oh, perhaps.” (Literally, “Oh, maybe, if fate is on your side.”) What insolence!

You: “Do you want to go see Walk the Line with me at the motion picture theater?
Me: “Oh, perhaps.” (Literally, “Oh, if you’re lucky.”) How conceited!

You: “Would you like to spend the day with me?”
Me: “Oh, perhaps.” (Literally, “if chance smiles upon you.”) How genuinely evil and misanthropic to relinquish an act of love or friendship to the blind control of chance!

So, don’t be surprised if you hear me use the word “perhaps” less and less. It is a remnant of barbaric, undignified language and I will have none of it. I will be a man of certainty. I will let my yes be yes and my no be no.

posted by Mike @ 4:26 PM